9 Months have gone by.
9 Months since my last post, Dated October 1st.
Well I've been stuck, and the pull in my stomach as I type lets me know I need to put this out there.
I'm going to open a box that I have been holding close enough to my heart to remember but far enough to keep my composure..
I need to take you back to October.
October for my family means football is going strong. Everyone is moving like a well-oiled machiene. My household is running at full blast, full capacity, never low on food, a new set of visitors to entertain are in and out on weekends for games while I'm maintaining structure and schedule for the kids, and being present for my husband who forgot his work ipad at home and needs it asap.. you know. the usual. Maybe the floor gets mopped..but probably not.
Whats more..I'm pregnant with baby number 3.
I'd known for quite some time, with two successful pregnancies under my belt my body didnt waste any time letting me know what I was dealing with.
The minute that " I'm pregnant " left my lips to my husband the switch flipped for me.
My usual routine changed a little each day as I added on a few more seconds to my prayers to include the new little body I was molding and the little face I'd soon be staring at, followed by a subtle belly rub.
I could see this baby when I closed my eyes. I was waiting for the day I would feel a slight thump of a kick. Anticipating the nights when I could lay there and picture moving parts, and wondering what in the world this baby would make me eat. Having two previous pregnancies, I was mentally prepared. I knew what to expect. I read the book. Got the app. I had this pregnancy under control.
And then one day, just like that, it was out of my control.
What started as a normal October day turned into a painful, I'll say it again.. PAINFUL loss of that pregnancy.
At the hospital they refused to tell me I was misscarrying all night.
The next day at my folllow up my doctor didnt want to say the word either.
It's a painful word. A painful loss. A painful expirience.
You all know I have an incredible man by my side. I cant stress to you enough how much my husband prayed for me and with me through that. But as supportive as he wished he could be, there are no sick days in the NFL.
There's no "Sorry I'm late, coach." No doctors note that says he was in emergency room all night holding his shaking wife. He had to keep moving for all of us.
As for me, the sun came up the next day and while still suffering this loss I had two sets of eyes staring me down for waffles. There was no down time, The show must go on.
I'm numb. Going through the motions of the day as best I could while my body is literally breaking itself apart inside. Pushing through the day's routine desperately trying to look at the two healthy children infront of me and convince myself that I'm alright.
I'm Laying out my blessings in my head repeatedly telling myself It's okay. I'm okay. The kids are okay. Be thankful. Look at them. Dont cry. Lets go. Keep moving. My family needs me.
As my kids were napping that afternoon I got real with myself for the first time, I can remember just lying on my couch in complete pain, staring at my contracting stomach so perplexed.
HOW...what...why. I'm healthy. I'm young. My pregnancies were normal. I took it for granted.
What did I do. I should have rested more. What is wrong with me.
What do I do now?
I lifted it up.
Prayed. it. down.
I knew I gave all I had in my body to that child, and then I gave my broken heart to God and asked him to make sense of it for me.
And you know what, If im being honest, he hasn't done that yet.
but I say YET.
Because though my prayer didnt give me the answer I wanted to hear in that moment, what He gave me was unmistakable peace about what I was enduring.
I was completely empty physically but completely full spiritually.
When I prayed and lifted that burden up to God he took it.
The word says, "Cast your cares on him because he cares for you. " -1 peter 5:7
Thats what i did.
The word says " Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. - Matthew 5:4
And comfort He did.
That doesn't mean I was healed. That doesnt mean I never think about what could have been or should have been.
What I mean is in that instant, the moment I asked God into the situation with my whole heart I knew without a doubt that the loss I suffered wasnt for nothing.
Now the problem is, the second I got that peace, I kept it. I held it for 9 months. I put it in a little locked box in my heart only to be opened when I caught on to something that made me wonder where in the pregnancy I would be at that moment.
I didn't let it out, not even to my family, Because I felt that what comes with the word miscarriage is sympathy, sadness, and grief. Understandbly so. But I couldnt bear to to carry those emotions again, or go back to that place in my head.
In my heart I know where that child is.
I can see now that staying quiet any longer is completely selfish, because now when i think about the expirience, I cant help but think about all the other women that surround me who have probably suffered the same loss, and continue to suffer quietly because no one wants to say the word misscarriage. Or continue to carry that little locked box in their hearts becuase they've never given God a try.
It pains me to think of other women carrying that burden, holding on to it, numb like I was. Just going through the motions. Being the backbone for a household while silently mouring a loss that was out of their control. It changes you. It certainly changed me.
I just want to encourage you that God has seen this before.
You're not the only one. I'm not the only one.
And we shouldn't suffer quietly, because we all have scars.
Something left a mark on your heart.
Exposing those scars is the difference between "I'm sorry that happened to you" and a truly empathetic "You can get through this, and this is how."
Someone needs your story.
The faith and peace that brought me over that mountain of grief does no one any good locked away inside my heart. So here it is. I'm giving it to you.
The sad truth is, the way I dealt with my loss isn't the norm. Its the norm to delete the ultrasound picture from facebook and act like it never happened.
Well, theres a scar on my heart from the loss of that pregnancy, and I wont hide it, I actually hope you see it.
I wish you would open your heart to seek the same peace I found, with whatever your obstacle may be.
I hope to help you find the freedom that I found by casting my worries up to the God who not only made me but also the baby hes holding for me in heaven. Lift it up.
Finally, I pray that you will have the courage to expose your scars in the hopes of helping the silent sufferer next to you.
I know this is a harsh post to gome out of the gate with.
There has been so much joy unfolding from that point to now. Stay tuned to hear about the incredible things we have been led to. Exciting oppourtunities are ahead for me, for this Blog, and we can't ignore the fact that football season that it upon us, all aboard the crazy train!
Thank you for hearing my heart today .
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